


The Ghost Haunting my bedroom

by FlipsThePeej



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Connor Needs A Hug, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Needs a Hug, Friends to Lovers, Ghost Connor, Hurt Evan, Hurt/Comfort, I don't understand tags, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared is a good bro, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tree Bros, ghost - Freeform, hurt Connor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-13 12:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11184852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlipsThePeej/pseuds/FlipsThePeej
Summary: Evan's Mom, Heidi, decided to move during Evan's Senior year in high school. Evan hated the fact that they moved at first, but then Connor shows up. A real life ghost. He'd heard that someone had committed suicide in this house but he never knew that someone could actually become a ghost.(Sorry that I'm really bad at summary's.)





	1. Chapter 1

Evan took a deep breath looking up at the old brick house sitting in front of him. There was Ivy hanging off the house that made it look old and dirty outside. He let out the breath he'd been holding as he opened up the door entering his new home.  
  
There was a large case of stairs right as he opened up the door with two doors on the left and right of it. On the left was the living room, which the movers already brought in the couches and stands before hand. There was a door in the back of the living room that entered into a nice sized bathroom. On the right side of the stairs was the kitchen. It was a bit small but it wasn't like his mom or him cooked often. Through the kitchen was a small hallway which lead to his moms room. His moms room also had a door that connected to the bathroom. The downstairs was just one big circle, or well, square.   
  
Every step Evan took up the steps, he could feel the boards bend under his weight like they could snap and half right then and there. He hugged his cast close to his chest as he made his way safely up the stairs, without any of the old, rotten stairs breaking. There was a medium sized hallway that Evan had to walk down just to get to his bedroom.   
  
Luckily the movers had already brought all his bedroom furniture up so all he had to do was unpack the small amount of items he brought with him. His Mom wouldn't let her bring in any of the boxes because of his arm, so she had unloaded his boxes first so he could go ahead and unpack while she finished bringing the boxes in. It made him feel guilty for not being able to help.   
  
He unpacked the box with his bedding and quickly started making his bed so he could lay down. It was only 6 in the afternoon but Evan was beat. He had a few weeks till school started. Luckily Evan had Jared at school so he at least knew someone. That was if Jared would even hang out with him, and not only just because of his car insurance needed paid. 

 

....  
 

 __  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
  
_Today's going to be a good day and here's why, because today you're moving to a new home and you get to start anew._ ~~No one at your school will know who you are, other than Jared. They won't know how weird you are.~~  
  
                                                                                                  Sincerely, Me

  
  
Evan sighed looking down at the letter he typed up, printing it off and setting it on his desk. 

* * *

It had been two weeks since Evan moved in and he still hadn't finished unpacking. There were a few boxes stacked up in the corner of his room that he left untouched.   
  
Evan groaned lifting his head from his pillow as he heard a crash from across his bedroom. His Mom probably just knocked a box over in his room by accident. "Mom?" His voice was groggy as he pushed himself up looking around the room. She was nowhere in sight so he figured he'd just hearing things and laid his head back down.   
  
Five minutes later Evan heard the sound of pages being turned. The only pages he had out where his letters his therapist was having him write and he didn't really want people reading them. So he quickly sat up looking over towards his desk where the pages where sitting being flipped through by a boy with long brown hair. He looked to be around Evans age.  
  
"H-Hey!" Evan stuttered pushing himself out of bed, but he didn't move over towards the strange boy who was reading his letters. He just stood beside his bed fiddling with the hem of his shirt.   
  
The boy turned and looked at Evan wide eyed, not saying a word. He was deathly pale and was wearing all black. Black shoes, black pants, black shirt, black hoodie.  "You..You can see me?"   
  
_What? Why does he think that I can't see him? Of course I can see him!_ But he didn't say this out loud. "Y-Yes..?" Evan said giving the boy a strange look. "W-Why are y-you looking through my l-l-letters?"  
  
The boy stayed silent just starring at Evan like he couldn't believe what he was saying.   
  
"H-Hello?" Evan said after five minute of the boy not talking. Did Evan say something wrong? Maybe he shouldn't have asked why he was looking at Evans letters.  _You're already making some stranger that broke into your house hate you Evan._  
  
Maybe he didn't break into his house though. Maybe his mom was sick of him sitting inside everyday and met this guy and thought  _Hey this kid and my son could be friends!_ And sent him up to my room at 2 in the morning.    
  
"How'd you break your arm?" The brunette asked.  
  
Evan gaped starring at the boy. How could he just avoid the question like that? Why is he changing the conversation? Evan would ask him this but thought better of it. He didn't know how the stranger would react. "I-I feel from a tree.." He looked down picking at his cast.   
  
"Well isn't that the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard."   
  
Evan frowned.  _Says the one breaking into my room at 2 in the morning, reading my letters._ He thought bitterly.   
  
"No one's signed you cast." The boy pointed out, which made Evan feel even worse about himself.   
  
"Yeah.." Evan mumbled.   
  
"I can sign it." The boy picked up a sharpie off his desk and walked over to Evan, grabbing his cast and writing his name in big letters across it, covering up the whole front of his cast.  _Connor._  
  
Evan noticed as the boy...as Connor wrote signed his cast, he couldn't feel Connor holding onto his arm, just the pen scratching at his cast and how cold Connor was. He wanted to rip his arm from Connors grip because the boy was a cold as ice, but he didn't want to make an even worse impression to the intruder.   
  
"Th-Thanks.." He mumbled looking down at Connors name on his cast. When he looked back up, Connor was gone. "Connor?" He called, looking around his room. Was this all just a weird dream? Hopefully it was, it would be to weird to be reality. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Evan stood beside the window in his room, staring over at his desk. His computer moved from his bed to his desk while he was gone for like, two minutes to use the restroom. Maybe he had left it on his desk..but he never left it on his desk. His computer was always either on his bed, in his bookbag or on his night stand.  
  
It had been a week since Connor had disappeared into thin air and he hasn’t seen the boy since. For the first few days he thought maybe Connor was actually real because of the evidence on his cast, but then after that Evan just thought maybe he wrote on his cast in his sleep. Though that couldn’t have happened because he’s never done anything like that before.   
  
Four days after that night when Evan met... _Hallucinated_ Connor, stuff started disappearing randomly in his room and appearing somewhere else. Evan never told anybody what was happening. It wasn’t like he could tell anyone. His Mom and Therapist would think he has some other mental illness and give him a drug for it, and the only other person Evan talks to is Jared but Jared hasn’t talked to Evan since late last school year.   
  
Evan was snapped out of his thoughts when he saw his shoes ~~\---~~ that he always left right beside his bed ~~\---~~ were now up against the wall by his door.   
  
_Look at that Evan. You’re going crazy. You were already weird before but now look at you, hallucinating. Your mother’s going to have to put you into the mental hospital._   
  
“I’m not crazy…” Evan whispered, staring down at the floor as he tried to control his breathing. He was about to have a panic attack. Maybe he was crazy..   
  
“I don’t know, Hansen. You seem pretty crazy to me.” Connor said, lounging on Evans bed.   
  
Evan choked on his breath, backing up against the wall when he saw Connor. “Wh-Wh-Who a-a-are y-y-you?” His face turned a bit red in embarrassment at his stuttering.   
  
“Forgot about me already, Hansen?” Connor chuckled dryly. “It’s Connor Murphy. The freak.” He spat.   
  
Evan frowned staring at Connor. _Connor Murphy...The kid that threw the printer back in elementary school? Zoe Murphy’s brother?_   
  
“O-Okay...W-Why are you h-here?” He stuttered, messing with the hem on his polo.   
  
“I’m dead. If that’s not obvious. Did your buddy Jared not tell you that the school shooter killed himself?” Connor said harshly, walking over towards Evan.   
  
Connor was the one who killed himself in this house? Wait..ghosts don’t exist. “Why am I hallucinating Connor Murphy?” He whispered to himself, looking up at Connor as he walked up to him. “N-No...Jared and I d-don’t really t-talk..” He dropped his gaze, curling in on himself.   
  
Evan could feel the anger dripping off of Connor. Even though Connor was a ghost he could probably still beat the crap out of him. He glanced up seeing Connor moving away from him. Maybe Connor wasn’t going to beat him.   
  
“Why are you here? I...I m-mean..Why a-are you in my house? Why aren’t you w-with your f-family?” Evan sat on the floor hugging his knees, staring up at Connor.   
  
“Because this was where I killed myself, so i’m stuck here.” Connor walked over to Evan, crouching down in front of him. “You’re the only one that can see me. My family sure as hell can’t.” He said the last part in disgust, but Evan could see the sadness in his eyes.   
  
Evan wanted to curl up in a ball. Connor was staring him down, picking him apart piece by piece like he was trying to find answers. “W-Why can I only s-see you?”   


“That's what i’m trying to figure out, Hansen.” Connor frowned, leaning towards Evan.  
  
“S-Sorry..” Evan whispered.   
  
Their faces were so close. Evan had the back of his head pressed hard against the wall, staring into Connor's eyes. He could feel how cold Connor was without even touching the boy. Could Connor feel how cold he actually was? Could he feel anything? He could pick stuff up and move it, he disappeared from Evans sight but still be in his room..   
  
When Connor realised Evan was staring into his eyes, he leaned back away from him. Which made Evan blush in embarrassment.   
  
“Can you only s-stay in my room, o-or can you l-like go into other r-rooms in the house?” Evan asked.   
  
“I can go to other rooms..It just..nevermind.” Connor said, sitting down, leaning against Evans bed.   
  
Evan opened his mouth to ask Connor to continue but closed his mouth. If Connor didn’t want to talk about, then he wouldn’t make him.   
  
“I-I’m sorry that i’m the only one th-that can see y-you…” Evan frowned looking down at his lap, fiddling with a string that was hanging loose from his polo.   
  
Connor shot Evan a confused looked. “Why are you sorry for? It’s not like it’s your fault.”   
  
“Y-Yeah..but..” Evan trailed off. It’s true that it wasn’t his fault but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel bad about it. Why was Evan the one that could see Connor but no one else? Why couldn’t the Murphy’s see their own son? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapters trash and the spelling errors or mistakes. I'll try and make the next chapter longer.
> 
> Thanks for those who commented last chapter and the kudos! I'm glad to see that people actually like this. At least I think you all do. I hope you do anyway. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr if you'd like to @trashypeej


	3. Chapter 3

It was Evans first day back at school. He spent the last two weeks talking with Connor. No matter how much time he spent getting to know Connor, he didn’t understand how anyone could hate him. Yeah Connor got angry and would take it out on people, but he was still kind.    
  
Evan glanced around the school building at everyone standing around. Something caught his eye though. There was a empty gap towards the end of the hallway a bunch of lockers. But on one locker there were a bunch of flowers and cards and other things piled on and around it.    
  
It was Connor’s locker.    
  
He stood in front of it, staring at a picture of Connor. Connor looked so sad in it. Most people couldn’t tell unless you actually look and read his facial expression. Evan had spent so much time around Connor the past few weeks that he knew how Connor could easily hide how sad he was, but Evan could still see how sad he was not matter how much he tried to hide it.    
  
Why was Connor’s locker covered in random pity letters and items? Connor said everyone at the school hated him. They probably just did it for his sister.    
  
“Evan? Did you know Connor?”   
  
Evan turned around, startled to see Zoe Murphy standing in front of him. She’s probably weirded out by how long Evans been standing here, staring at Connors picture.    
  
“Evan…” He whispered.   
  
“That’s your name right?” Zoe asked.   
  
“Yes! Yes it is! It’s Evan! Sorry!” He laughed nervously, fiddling with his hands. They were sweaty.  _ Why were they so sweaty? What if she sees them sweating? She gonna be so weirded out that my hands are sweaty.  _ __   
__   
“Why are you sorry?” She asked, a bit confused.   
  
“Because you said Evan,” He was talking with his hands now. “Then I said it and I repeated it which i just. That is so annoying when people do that. So..” He said nervously, messing with his pockets.    
“I’m Zoe.” She said putting out her for Evan to shake.   
  
“Yes.” Evan went to shake her hand, but looked down at it seeing the sweat and pulled his hand back wiping it on his polo. “Yeah, I know, so.”    
  
_ You almost made her shake your sweaty hand. She would have been so grossed out. You’re already screwing this impression up and then the sweaty hand on top of that- _ __   
__   
“You know?” Zoe frowned putting her hand back down by her side.    
  
“No! You know..I just seen you play guitar in jazz band! I’ve come with a friend before.” He said quickly and pointing over towards where jazz band played. He actually looked at Zoe now. “I love jazz band. I love jazz. Well not all jazz. But definitely jazz band jazz. That’s so weird i’m sorry.” He smiled awkwardly looking down.    
  
“You apologize a lot.” Zoe chuckled.   
  
“I’m sorry.” He let out a small breathy laugh. “I mean..you know what I mean. It’s fine.” His voice lowered a bit as spoke. He looked down messing with his cast.   
  
“Well I’ll see you..” Zoe said, glancing at Evans cast as she turned around and walked away.    
  
Evan sighed looking down, walking towards his first class.    
  
“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm by jerking off too much? Or do you consider that an honor?” Jared said loudly as he walked over towards Evan.    
  
Evans eyes widened, looking around to see if anyone was looking, rushing over towards Jared. “No. Wait. Stop. I wasn’t-I wasn’t doing that.” He frowned hoping Jared would shut up.    
  
“Paint me the picture, you’re in your bedroom and you got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird off brand cellphone-” Jared said, getting cut off by Evan.   
  
“Wait. Shh! Th-That’s not what h-happened! Obviously.” He said, motioning with his hands as he talked. Mostly from his anxiety. “Well..I was..I was climbing a tree and I fell.” He rubbed the back of his neck.    
  
Jared laughed as he said. “You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn.” He said holding onto the arms of his bookbag.   
  
Evan shifted nervously. “No I-I was...I don’t know if you know this but I worked this summer as a a-apprentice park ranger, um at Ellison State Park,” He pointed upwards with his hands as if he was pointing towards the park. “I’m s-sort of a tree expert now.” He said with a small smile motioning with his hands as he talked. “I mean, n-not to brag or a-anything..”   
  
Jared gave him this smug look.   
  
Evan cleared his throat and turned and motioned with his hands as if he was motioning to the height of a tree saying, “B-But anyways, I tried to climb this forty foot tall o-oak tree and um-”   
  
“Then you fell.” Jared said cutting Evan off.   
  
“E-Except, um, it’s a funny story though because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there, um, on the ground waiting for someone to come get me.” He says pointing as if he was pointing to himself laying there by that tree when he fell. “And I just kept saying to myself, “Any second now.” and I was saying to myself, “Any second now somebody's going to come.”   
  
Jared raised a brow giving Evan an odd look. “Did they?”   
  
“N-No, nobody came. That’s what’s th-the, um, that’s what’s funny.” Evan said with a slight frown.    
  
“Jesus Christ!” Jared said with a slight chuckled.    
  
“I was...What d-did you d-do,” Evan looked down talking softer and Jared had to lean in to hear him. “You have a good summer.”   
  
Jared leaned back smiling a bit. “Well! My bunk dominated in capture the flag! And I got to second base below the bra with this girl from Israel whose going to be in the army, so.” Jared grinned with a chuckle. “Yeah.” He motioned with his hand towards Evan walking away saying, “I think that answers your question.”    
  
“H-Hey..Do you wanna sign my cast?” Evan pulls a sharpie from his pocket.    
  
“W-Why are you asking me?” Jared looks at Evan giving him a weird look.    
  
“W-Well I just I thought because we’re friends.” Evan smiled a bit.   
  
“We’re family friends, and that’s a whole different game and you know it.” Jared said motioning with one hand while the other was in his pocket, as he walked over to Evan putting a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.”   
  
Evan looks down giving Jared a small nod, putting his sharpie back in his pocket as he walked away.    
  
****

* * *

****  
His first three classes went by relatively okay. There were a few people that made fun of him because they saw Connor’s name on his cast and figured it was Connor Murphy who signed it, which it was. Though during lunch a big group of jocks made fun of him for it and for his twitchiness so he ended up hiding in the library doing homework instead of eating lunch.    
  
Evan sighed looking up at the clock. He’s in his 4th period class which means there’s three and a half hours left till he can get the hell out of here.    
  
****

* * *

****  
****  
“Hey, uh, Evan.” Zoe Murphy said stopping him outside of school.   
  
“Y-Yeah?” Evan frowned looking at Zoe. Why was she talking to him again? Did he do something wrong?   
  
“Did my brother sign you cast? I mean it has his name on it..” Zoe asked.   
  
“Y-Yeah…” Evan could lie and say that a Connor at his old school signed it, but a yes slipped out before he could stop himself.    
  
“Why? We’re you guys like friends or something? Did he force you to let him sign it or something? ‘Cause it’s not like Connor actually has any friends.” Zoe said with a bit of malice in her voice.   
  
“N-No! It w-wasn’t like that. W-We’re friends..” Evan said looking down. Were he and Connor friends. Evan didn’t know. Jared was really his only friends...well family friend..   
  
Zoe gave him a sceptical look. “If he bullied you into being his friend you can tell me. It’s not like he’s even around anymore to do anything about it.” She frowned crossing her arms.    
  
“N-No! We’re f-friends! He didn’t b-bully me into i-it..” Evan gave her an awkward smile as if to reassure her but it didn’t work.    
  
She reached out taking his phone from his hands, putting her number in it before giving it back. “My parents are going to want to meet you. They’ll be interested to know that their horrible son actually had a ‘friend’.”   
  
Evan opened his mouth to say something but she was already gone. He stared down at Zoe’s contact information. He’s going to have to lie to his parents about Connor. Well maybe not exactly lie because they’re friends now...might be friends now.    
  
He had to tell Connor…   
  
****

* * *

****  
****  
“You what?” Connor frowned crossing his arms. “Well isn’t this just great. Now you get to spend the night with Larry and Cynthia lying your ass off.”   
  
Evan frowned sitting down by Connor. “I..I’m sorry..I d-didn’t know what to say! Maybe I can cancel..But it’s not like I really have to lie..” He mumbled the last part.   
  
Connor glared at Evan. “Oh really? Where are you gonna say we met?”   
  
Evan stayed quiet for a moment, thinking to himself. “Well...I can say we met when I m-moved here. Th-That, um..That you were here when I move i-in...You d-didn’t know th-that someone bought the h-house, um, and, um, we started t-talking.”   
  
“They’ll know that’s a lie, Evan. I killed myself before the house was sold to you. They came here to pick up my dead corpse and clean up the mess before the place got sold.” Connor sighed. “Just delete Zoe’s number and don’t go over when she tells you to.”   
  
Evan frowned looking at Connor. “I-I can’t do that!” He didn’t want to hurt Connors parents by not coming over, no matter how horrible they sounded from what Connor has told him about them.    
  
Connor stood up towering over Evan. “You’re not going over there and fucking screwing up more than you already have!” He snapped. The lights started to flicker and Evan knew that Connor was pissed.    
  
Evan curled in on himself looking down. “I-I’m s-sorry..” Tears welled up in his eyes. “I-I-I’m sorry! I h-have to go o-over there, Connor. Y-You’re parents w-will be so disappointed and Z-Zoe will be a-angry..I-I’m s-sorry..”   
  
“Stop fucking apologizing!” Connor He screamed at Evan, balling his hands up into a fist. “Fuck them!” He threw his hand back, walking over towards the boxes in the corner that Evan still hadn’t unpacked, kicking them, sending them flying across the room. “If you fucking go over there-!”    
  
Evans eyes widened in horror as Connor came stomping over towards him about to slam his fist into Evan. His eyes looked like there were red and he had a snarl on his lips. Before his fist could slam into Evan, his body disappeared slowly like it was dust being blown away by the wind.   
  
Evan sat on his bed with tears running down his cheek, staring at the mess Connor made.   
  
_ This is all your fault. You made him angry by being stupid and causing these problems in the first place. You should have just lied to Zoe because now you made a mess. You shouldn’t have lived when you jumped out of that tree. _ __   
__   
Evan curled up into a ball, feeling hiccups form in his throat as he cried. He was shaking like a leaf as he struggled to get in a breath. It felt like his heart was beating out of his chest.    
  
In.   
  
Hold.   
  
Out.   
  
In.   
  
Hold.    
  
Out.   
  
He repeated this till he could finally breath normally again. Eventually he fell asleep from how tired he was after his  __ freak out and cried himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing these chapters all day. I already have the last chapter written I just have to get the rest of the chapters up till then written. Though i'm not really sure how many chapters there will be..
> 
> Sorry for OOC, mistakes and/or errors in this chapter!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment, they make me smile. 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr if you'd like @trashypeej


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Evan Hansen,_ __  
~~_Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why.._~~ __  
__  
Evan sighed staring down at the words he had written before striking them out and starting over.  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_ __  
_Today’s not going to be a good day because you scared Connor away but messing things up, as per usual. Connor hasn’t even spoken to you in 3 days and Zoe keeps asking you about coming over and you keep blowing her off. No matter what you do you can’t make anybody happy. You can only mess things up._ __  
__  
Evan groaned and deleted everything that he had written, shutting down his laptop.   
  
Three days. Three days since Connor had spoken to Evan. Three days since Evan messed everything up.   
  
Zoe kept asking him, and texting him about coming over for dinner some time because her parents wanted to meet Connors ‘friend’. Evan wasn’t even sure if they were friends. Sure they hung out, but Evan justed believed that Connor was only around him because he was stuck in that house and no one else but Evan could see him.   
  
Lately though Evan can’t stop thinking about how he’s the only one able to see Connor. There must be some reason why he could only see Connor. Maybe Connor wasn’t real, as his brain kept telling him. Maybe Evan just made Connor up as a way to cope with his anxiety. Maybe Connor was just an hallucination of his anxiety..  
  
“Writing one of your weird sex letters, again?” Jared said loudly as he walked up to Evan.  
  
Evan jumped hearing Jared, fumbling with his laptop as he almost dropped it. Ever since he told Jared about his letters, Jared just kept insisting they were some weird sex letter that he wrote to himself. Which they’re not but no matter how many times Evan tells Jared this he still insists it’s ‘some weird sex letter’.  
  
“I-It’s not a sex l-letter.” Evan mumbled looking down at his computer in his hands. He should probably put it in his bookbag before he dropped it. So he got right on that and set his bookbag on the desk so he could put his computer in it.  
  
“Right.” Jared rolled his eyes.  
  
“What, um, what did you want.” Evan said as he slowly slipped on his bookbag. It dawned on him right after he said it that to Jared, he realized that it might have sounded rude, and like he didn’t want to talk to Jared. Which he kind of didn’t but he didn’t want to be rude to his only friend...family friend. “I-I mean, um, I... I didn’t mean it like that! I-It’s just you don’t usually talk to me th-that often unless I talk to y-you first…” He paused for a moment, picking at his cast. “That sounded w-weird.” He whispered. “I..um, did you, um, need something?”   
  
Jared raised a brow staring at Evan for a second. “What’s with you these past couple of days. You’ve been acting all weird.”  
  
Evan frowned looking up at Jared. Had everyone else noticed he’s been acting weird? Had he been acting weird? Maybe it was because he ruined things with Connor and Zoe.   
  
“Wh-What are you talking about? I-I’m acting h-how I always am...I think.” He whispered the last part to himself.  
  
“Riiight..Whatever then.” Jared turned and walked out of the computer lab.   
  
Evan sighed watching Jared leave, waiting a few minutes before he left the computer lab himself and headed home. Time to do homework and try to ignore the fact that Connor hated him but still had to be stuck around Evan.  


 

* * *

  
  
Evan could tell when Connor was in the room anymore even when he wasn’t showing himself to Evan. The room would go cold and Evan would have to bundle up in blankets just to keep warm, sometimes he could see his breath, and stuff would get kicked around the room. The last part reminded him of a passive aggressive cat.    
  
“C-Connor..Please talk to me..” Evan whispered, pulling his quilt tighter around him. “It’s been four days now that i’ve talked you..I’m sorry Connor..I-I’m sorry..” He pulled his knees up to his chest, hiding his face in his knees, so he could wrap his quilt around him a couple times. “I...I’ve been avoiding Zoe...I haven’t met y-your parents. I’m not going to m-meet them..not unless you want me to..I’m sorry C-Connor.”    
  
“You’ve said you’re sorry 148 times to me in the past four days.” Connor said standing in front of Evan with his arms crossed. “I think that’s a bit excessive.”   
  
Evan’s head snapped up once he hear Connors voice. “Connor!” He smiled sadly looking up at the brunette.   
  
“Look, Evan..I’m sorry.” Connor said running a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I was just so..angry. My parents have no right to have you over and be in my business.”    
  
Evan stared at Connor in silence for a moment. Connor said he was sorry. He had no reason to be sorry. Evan was the wrong who was in the wrong. He was about to go but into Connor’s families lives and tell lies. “You don’t need to apologize. Y-You had every right to be angry.”   
  
“No. No I didn’t. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. I was angry at my parents, not you.” Connor sat down beside Evan. “So, i’m sorry Evan.” He smiled sadly.    
  
“Don’t apologize. If I can’t apologize to you, th-then you can’t apologize to m-me.” Evan smiled softly looking at Connor. He could feel the temperature going back to normal in his room. Connor wasn’t angry anymore.    
  
“Fine. But that means you can’t excessively apologize over nothing. Like how when you babble on about trees and realize you’ve been talking about them for a long time, you’ll say you’re sorry all the time.” Connor leaned back on the bed looking at Evan. “Speaking of you babbling about trees, do you have a kink for them or something? I mean it’s weird but hey, it’s your kink, I won’t judg-”   
  
“I don’t h-have a tree k-kink!” Evan said quickly, blushing in embarrassment as he cut Connor off.    
  
“Are you sure? You stuttered.” Connor teased.   
  
Evan frowned looking at Connor. “I d-don’t..um..I don’t have a tree kink.” He had to repeat the sentence a few times because he stuttered.   
  
Connor chuckled. “Whatever you say, Hansen.”   
  
Evan looked down at his lap when Connor called him Hansen. Had he done something to make Connor mad? Connor never used his last name since they had gotten closer, not unless Evan did something.     
  
_ You just got Connor back and you’re already messing things up again. Can’t you not fuck things up for once? Why can’t you just be different? If you were different people would like you better and Connor wouldn’t be stuck with your sorry ass. _ __  
__  
“Evan? Hey, get out of that head of yours.” Connor frowned leaning a bit closer to Evan. “I don’t know what dark thoughts you’re telling yourself in there but it’s not true. It’s just what your anxiety wants you to believe.”   
  
Evan looked up at Connor, seeing how sad his eyes were.  __ You did that.  He wanted to hug Connor but every time he’s touched Connor anymore, he just went through him. Every time that happened, Evans breath would be knocked out of him and it took a few minutes before he could actually catch his breath, and Connor would freeze up and disappear and not return for a few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for mistakes or spelling errors.
> 
> I've been watching the bootleg to Dear Evan Hansen everytime I write this. I don't know how I don't have this show memorized already. I've probably listened to it more than 8 times in the past month. 
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and the comments! You all are really lovely and i'm really glad to see that somebody actually enjoys this mess that I have created. At least I think you guys like it..
> 
> Follow me on tumblr if you'd like @trashypeej


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!  
> \+ Mentions of suicide

Evan and Connor had gotten pretty close to one another over the past couple weeks. There were a couple times that Connor got really angry and yelled at Evan. They were becoming good friends, at least Evan thinks they are. He can’t tell if Connor think they’re good friends or not and Evan doesn’t want to ask, because what if Connor lied and said they were or there was an uncomfortable moment that happened after he asked or-   
  
Evan sighed and shook his head trying to get rid of those thoughts. He didn’t need to dwell on that right now. He should be studying for a calculus test right now that he had in two days that he had no idea how to do. If he failed this test his mother would be so disappointed in him. Plus he hasn’t been writing letters lately. Not because he didn’t want to. Who was he kinding, he doesn’t want to write them. They’re not helping anything. But his therapist expects him to have this week's letters with him when he goes, so he should probably start writing them again.   


  
_ Dear Evan Hansen, _   
__            You said sometimes, it's like I hardly know you and that’s maybe there's something I never shown you. Sometimes you're certain, but just can't get it working at all.  
__  
__  
Evan stared down at the letter. Why was he writing this to Connor but addressing it to himself? He groaned and deleted everything and starting over again.   
  
  
__ Dear Evan Hansen,  
  
_             Today’s not going to be a good day, probably not a good week for the matter for stupid reasons and my useless feelings. It’s not like i’m not surprised (It's always part of my awkward attempts to stay gone). I always frown to the sound of when I hit ground and I hate the way that I say I should stay when I know I shouldn’t, when I know that I don't give a fuck about it anyway. I mean why should I stay around? I always remain unknown..staying awake, feeling cold and tired. Resignation is life's forsaken. I mean I should have thought ahead. _   
  
__                        Love your only friend

 

Evan closed his computer when he heard Connor behind him.    
  
“Still writing those stupid letters to yourself?” Connor moved so he could sit on the foot of the bed.    
  
Evan nodded, staying silent and playing with the hem of his shirt. Did Connor read that? Connor’s going to think he’s so weird and not come around anymore.    
  
“Why did you let go?” Connor said so quietly that Evan almost didn’t hear it.   
  
“W-What do y-you mean?” Evan tensed up looking at Connor. 

“The tree. Why did you let go?”    
  
Evans eyes widened. How did Connor know? Evan didn’t tell anyone the real reason for breaking his arm. Was it that obvious that he didn’t want to be here anymore?   
  
“I..I tried t-to kill my-myself...I guess I h-have to t-try hard-harder next t-time..” He laughed awkwardly.   
  
Connor frowned, scooting closer to Evan. “Why would there be a next time? Promise me there won’t be a next time. I don’t want to loose my only friend..”   
  
Evan stared at Connor with his mouth open. Connor thought of him as a friend? He opened and closed his mouth a couple times but couldn’t get any words out.   
  
Connor reached his hands up wiping the tears that were running down Evans face. If he concentrated hard enough he could touch things but it was hard and always used up most of his energy. “Promise me?”   
  
“I..I p-promise..” Evan whispered, reaching up to his cheek where Connor wiped his tears. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. Connor probably thought he was really weird but didn’t say anything because Evan was the only one he could talked to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ Sorry that this chapter took me forever and that it's super random. I've had writers block and can't think of any ideas for it. Every time I do have ideas I can't write them down. I'll try to make the next one longer.
> 
> ~ Sorry for any mistakes or errors, this isn't beta'd (Beta?)
> 
> ~ Did you guys noticed that the letters were lyrics from the band Marianas Trench ;)
> 
> ~ Thank you all for reading and for all the kudos and comments! You guys make my day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of suicide (Sort of?)

Through Connors time of being stuck ‘haunting’ Evans home, (He wouldn’t really call it haunting because he’s doing a terrible job at it. He’s supposed to haunt Evan not fall for him.) he's grown fond of it. He didn't mind sitting me listening to Evan babble on about trees or some movie or book he's read. Well Connor shouldn't say he's fond of the Hansens home, he's fond of Evan Hansen.

 

Evan was adorable in many ways (his adorable chubbiness, the way he gets all flustered when he thinks he's babbling on about something too much, his soft and fluffy hair, the way he gets embarrassed when he says a rude comment and realizes he said it aloud, those gorgeous br-- getting off topic...) but he was also a lot like Connor himself. Not in the anger kind of way. (It would blow his mind to see Evan explode in anger at someone.) They are similar in the bad kind of ways. They are both depressed and want out of this world. They both suffered from mental illnesses. Though it isn’t a good thing they’re similar in these ways, Connor could at least try and help Evan through it.

 

If Connor hadn't died, he'd probably be friends with Evan at school. Though he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. He didn't want Evan to be bullied just because he was friends with Connor. Maybe they could have been more than friends. He hoped they could have been more than friends. Now it was impossible because Connor could barely even touch Evan and no one could even see him so everyone would think Evans insane. Plus there’s the whole fact that Connors dead and stuck in this house for all eternity.   
  
No matter how many times Connor tries to leave this house, he can’t. Once he goes to take one step out the front door, it’s like a giant gust of wind hits him and he slams back into the wall. One time Evan had tried to get him to leave and when he tried and got smashed against the wall, Evan almost had a panic attack. Evan had started freaking out and asking him over and over if he was okay and that he was sorry.

 

Connor had started to notice that Evans mom was starting to catch on that Evan was talking to someone and not just himself. At first she thought he was on the phone or something, but then she came in one day and saw that he was on his phone nor his computer. She probably was starting to suspect that he son was going insane. So, when Heidi sat Evan down and had a talk to him about his unhealthy behaviors of talking to himself, Evan went right out and told her the truth about Connor. Which Heidi didn't believe one bit but Evan kept insisting that Connor was real.

 

Heidi and Evan fought about for what seemed like hours to Connor. They ended the fight by Heidi yelling at Evan about something--Connor couldn't catch what it was-- and Evan running off to his room. For weeks they fought about it, so Connor stopped showing up around Evan as much. He still stayed around the anxiety ridden boy, but Evan didn't know that he was there.

 

Evan noticed this and started calling out for Connor to come out more, or straight up talking to Connor as if he was there (which he was but Evan didn't need to know this). Connor was starting to get tired of how hard Evan was trying to get him to come out. Did Evan not get that Connor was trying to protect him?

 

Late at night Connor would see Heidi on the computer trying to figure out what's wrong with Evan, and her hushed conversations on the phone. She would never believe Evan about Connor being real. I mean, who would? So Connor had to keep his distance because he didn't want anything to happen to Evan. But keeping his distance seem to make Evan want Connor around even more.

 

“Connor? Please! Did I do something wrong? I can fix it! Wh-Where are you?! I'm really worried Connor! I m-miss having you around…” Evan cried.

 

Connor frowned watching Evan ask him to come back over and over again, trying to spot Connor somewhere. It hurt Connor to see Evan like this, but he couldn't ruin Evans life more than he already has.   
  
Evan would never get to know how Connor felt for him. Connor couldn’t put that burden on Evan. He deserved to live a normal human life like everyone else, not stuck with some ghost.   
  
Connor sat on his knees in front of Evan where he was crumbled on the ground crying. He reached over cupping Evans face, wiping his thumbs under Evans eyes as if he was wiping away the tears, but his fingers just went through them. He wished he could show himself to Evan but he couldn’t do that anymore. All he could do is watch Evan live his life from the sideline.   
  
“I’m sorry Evan..”  
  
  


* * *

 

  _Dear Evan Hansen,_ _  
__Today wasn’t a good day…_ _  
__Most times it all comes out wrong. There's nothing familiar here anymore not to anyone or anything left to feel alive. This is not the man I hoped to be. I don't know how to word it..I just started to deserve it..So who am I? I just feel so damn worthless._ _  
__  
__Who cares.._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally did one with Connors point of view. It's kind of a mess though.
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely comments and kudos :) 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr if you'd like :P @trashypeej


	7. Chapter 7

It was the end of May or early June that Evan and Connor had shared this picture-perfect afternoon.    
  
Evan had found out that Connor left his hoodie behind and wherever Evan took it, Connor would follow. Though whatever place or room that hoodie was left in, Connor couldn’t leave. So, Evan decided to put on Connor’s favorite black hoodie and drag him to the apple orchard with him. 

 

There was this beautiful open field that was framed with trees. Evan kept pointing out the different kind of trees to Connor and telling him facts about it, to which Connor teased him about. But once Evan got embarrassed about it, Connor would point to some tree Evan hadn’t talked about and would ask what it was. 

  
They walked around and talked about the things they would do when they got out of could (or would have done if they lived long enough to graduate high school). Well, Evan mostly talked about what he would do when he got out of school. Connor stayed quiet and listened contently as Evan talked and told Evan jokes he would make as a kid.    
  
_ “Why did the Duke cross the road?” Connor asked. _ __   
__   
_ “I d-don’t know..w-why?” Evan tilted his head to the side so he could see Connor. _ __   
__   
_ “To prove he wasn’t chicken.” _ __   
_   
_ There was nothing they couldn’t discuss (well, Evan couldn’t discuss that he had a small crush on Connor’s sister Zoe). Evan could stay like this forever. Two friends on a perfect day.  __ Two Friends. 

 

And there Connor went, racing towards the tallest tree. From far across the yellow field Evan could hear him calling, "Follow me!" There they went, wondering how the world might look from up so high. 

 

One foot after the other.

 

One branch then to another

 

Evan climb higher and higher

 

He  climb till the entire sun was shining on his face.

 

Evan sat on a tree branch shoulder to shoulder beside Connor. Even though Evan couldn’t feel or touch Connor, he was still happy to have the brunette beside him. Two friends. No. True friends, on a perfect day. 

 

They sat side by side for hours on that tree branch, just talking and taking in the view. If Connor wasn’t a ghost, Evan would probably have kissed him up in that tree. 

 

* * *

 

 

Evan wished he could go back to that day. Back to when him and Connor could just talk hours on end about nothing in particular, just happy to have each other's company. Now Connor wouldn’t even appear anymore. No matter how much Evan thought about it, he couldn’t figure out what he did wrong. Maybe it was his stuttering or how awkward he was..

 

Here he was laying on his bed that Thursday night, crying on his bed wearing Connors hoodie. 

 

Ever since that one time they went to the orchard, Evan never wore Connors hoodie except around the house. He wanted to wear it to school countless times but Connor wouldn’t have been comfortable being dragged around school all day.

 

Evan looked up hearing his phone go off on the stand beside his bed. He side sitting up and grabbing it. The hood slowly slide off Evans head as he unlocked his phone to see who the message was from.  
  
A message from Zoe.   
  
Alana never messaged him.   
  
**From Alana:** **  
**_I’m starting a project that’s a student group that’s dedicated to keeping Connors memory alive, to show people that everybody should matter, that everybody is important. I could be co-president. You would be president of course because your Connor’s best friend. And Jared could be treasurer, because the co-president is spot is already filled._

 

**_From Alana:_ **

_ Imagine a major online group presents with links to educational materials, a massive and raising drive to help people like Connor. And for the kick off event a all school memorial assembly next week. Students, teachers, who ever wants to can get up and talk about Connor. Talk about his legacy. _

 

**_From Alana:_ **

_ Because no one deserves to be forgotten or disappear. No one deserves to flicker out or have any doubt that they are here. _

Evan stared at that text message for what felt like forever. Connor wouldn’t want this but there was no way that Evan could stop Alana from doing this project. Though, it wasn’t like Connor was speaking to him so Connor couldn’t get mad at him. 

 

He looked back down at his phone as another message came through.

 

**From Zoe:**

_ If you’re free tomorrow night at 6 my parents would like to meet you.  _ __   
__   
Zoe wanted him to go over to her house and talk about Connor. Her parents wanted to meet him because they thought that him and Connor were actually friends.

 

**To Zoe:**

_ I’ll be there. _

 

It wasn’t like Connor was around to get mad. Plus he didn’t want to disappoint the Murphy’s. What’s that worst that could happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long for me post. I've been kind of depressed and not really up to doing anything. School starts back in less than a week and I haven't done any of my summer homework..
> 
> It's a pretty crappy chapter because I just finished it like 5 minutes ago so it's short and kind of choppy. Sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and comments!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Dear Evan Hansen Fic and I plan on updating it every week throughout this summer. I planned on taking this story way different than how I wrote this chapter but writing stories on the computer are always terrible for me.  
> Sorry for any spelling errors, OOC, or mistakes.  
> You guys can follow me on tumblr if you'd like @trashypeej


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